mean girls.

“i’m sorry that people are so jealous of me... but i can’t help it that i’m so popular”

if you know anything about me, you know that i am totally obsessed with mean girls (the movie and the group of girls i lovingly call the same name), not only because everything tina fay writes/acts in turns to gold, but also because of it’s hilariously accurate depiction of high school girls/girls in general. let’s be totally clear about this. if you are a girl, you are a bitch. whether that bitchiness be out in open like my own, or carefully hidden behind layers or syrupy (sick) sweetness, the mean girl is somewhere in there, waiting to be unleashed. the first time that i was called a mean girl was my sophomore year of college. although i made no attempts out of the ordinary to receive the honor or being called a mean girl, a delightful man, who will we refer to as “big black dad” (bbd) informed me that he had watched a movie that perfectly depicted my group of friends. seems as though bbd had viewed mean girls and immediately thought of the whitest, snobbiest, most fabulous 19 year olds he could think of and i, of all people, was fortunate enough to be lumped into this group. according to bbd, qualifications for mean girl status include: refusing to pay cover, judging/making fun of everyone, getting drinks for free, knowing individuals who allow you to get into and drink from the bar for free on a first name basis and being uncharacteristically kind to them, refusing to dance, making fun of skanks, and being extremely exclusive. i was so flattered with the comparison that i could have cried. although there is still some debate as to which mean girl i would be and which individuals have earned their place as second and third generation mean girls, i’d like to add that, as any oscar nominee would say, being nominated was an honor in and of itself and i am humbled to be considered among such talented individuals. 

my love of mean girls came to mind after a recent facebook fueled website discovery. i’m not even going to mention the site involved because it is completely and utterly ridonkulous and does not bear repeating, but it’s purpose it to allow randoms to critique and numerically quantify the value of fraternities and sororities on specific campuses, along with publicized personal opinions on the aforementioned criteria. aside from being ludicrous (i always want to write “ludacris”, luuuuuuda), i think the people posting on this site are missing the point. if you were bright enough to make it through the end of mean girls, you know that the message of the movie boils down to this, girls are mean and cruel to each other, even the fugly ones who make out with their gym coaches and have heavy flows and wide-set vaginas. furthermore, and not a part of the movie just personal brilliance, sororities and fraternities are, in their design, exclusive; that doesn’t make us mean, it makes us discerning. and sure, some of the drama that goes on in the houses of such wonderful mean girls and mean boys is petty and stupid, but the drama that goes on among the “sexually active band geeks” or the “cool asians” is probably equally as trivial. so whether you’re a sorostitute arguing over an exec position or a chubby mcfatterson wrestling over the last m&m left in the economy size bag, you’re a mean girl, it’s who we are, own it. and as for “those girls are bitches” being an accurate description for any group of girls, yeah we are, all of us in one way or another have an evil emotional monster living inside us. please for the love of vocabulary, come up with something more descriptive than that or better yet, go back to your hobo friends and tighten each others head gear, you’re looking a little gap toothed. 

this is what is referred to as the mean girl "a" team. applications for subsequent mean girls are being accepted at this time.