the boyfriend application.

i am now accepting boyfriend applications, but be ye warned, the application/screening process is arduous and the actual relationship portion taxing, in a strictly monetary sense, of course.  

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Application de Petit Ami

(that’s french snob for ‘boyfriend application’)

Name: _______________________

(interesting/aristocratic names and subsequent titles preferred, although not strictly required)

Age: _______

(applicants must be between the ages of 21 and 45, unless otherwise qualified (prince/king of medium to large sized country)

Height: _______

(this requirement has less to do with actual preference and more to do with the fact that i have achieved the height of 6’2’’ with heels. if you are under this height and would like for me to pet the top of your head like a small puppy as i tower over you, then please proceed)

Yearly Income: _____________________   Trust Fund/Inheritance: ______________

(notice the space i left for all the “0’s”. although i am interested in your yearly income for obvious reasons, i am more-so interested in your disposable income, as i plan to dispose of it properly. please note that this area would be an appropriate section to place all trust funds and/or family inheritances you have/stand to gain)

Houses: _______________________________________________________________  

Vacation Homes: ________________________________________________________

Property: ______________________________________________________________

(obviously your parents’ home does not count. but wait lauren, you live at home with your parents. my parents could beat up your parents, so back off. i do what i want. now, buy a house, loser)

Please answer either YES or NO to the following questions.

1. Will you be willing to follow strict guidelines of engagement procedures which include top shelf vodka and a ring no less than 2 karats? 
2. Are you physically able to pick me up off of the ground should I decide to drink my own body weight and act like a complete and total asshole? 
3. Will you be kind to princess oreo, accepting the fact that she, like her mother, deserves to lounge around all day doing absolutely nothing? 
4. Do you know the difference between “your” and “you’re”? Are you willing to accept that anything you write to me will be graded with red pen and handed back, therefore requiring a “final draft” revision? 
5. Will you leave me the hell alone and let me go out with my friends and please allow yourself to do the same?                         
6. Can you beat me in Mario Kart (N64 or Wii) and will you help me unlock Rosalina, because I’m having a hard time and would like to kick your ass using her as my player?      
7. Do you promise to never make me touch your feet?                                                      

(if the answer is NO to any of the above questions please disregard boyfriend application altogether as you, at this time, do not qualify/are despicable) 

Signature: ____________________________________        Date:_________________

Please include a non-refundable check or cash deposit of $300 dollars to cover processing fees (bottles of wine for sorting through the thousands of applications i’m sure to receive, shoes to wear while sorting, catnip)

__________________________________________________________________________________

i suppose that now all there is left to do is sit back and wait for the numerous male suitors who will undoubtedly be throwing themselves at my fabulousness. by fabulousness of course i mean trainwreckness. and by trainwreckness i mean hot messness. i'm fairly certain that this is the process by which every great love story begins, with rules, guidelines, greed, and conditions. i'm also fairly certain that love is is a choice and not a feeling. and i am absolutely certain that you did not visit this blog to hear me pontificate about matters of love/relationships.