go elf yourself.

it’s christmas time, hobos. tis the season to be jolly or selfish, or whatever, and i for one am elated.

first of all, let me say holy cubic zirconia extravaganza via every damn holiday jewelry commercial on television. please see my thoughts on this particular subject on facebook and hear as i audibly gag/cry over the heinous mediocrity which these advertisements so wholeheartedly support. moving on. oreo and i are absolutely ecstatic about the holiday season and we’ve been listening to santa baby on repeat since well before thanksgiving as it pretty much summarizes our desire for a sugar daddy and constant need for gifts (snacks). speaking of gifts panda bought princess oreo a beautiful pink sweater today from the target, but it was too tight because oreo insists on second helpings during holiday meals, either that or because i constantly feed her in order to gain and maintain her love and affection. back to me, excited for christmas. i’m not one of those crazy people who romanticizes the christmas holidays and dreams of ice skating and every kiss beginning with k (vomit), although i do enjoy ice skating but only like twice around the rink because then i get tired (see athletic ability under nature can suck it). i partly love this time of the year because it is the first time since last march that i’ve stopped sweating my sweet georgia balls off and i mostly love christmas because of presents. don’t act surprised like you thought i had some sort of existential, abstract, or otherwise mind blowing reason for my christmas time true loving. i love things. i love free things. i love things bought with papa bear’s money. also, i love baby jesus, so don’t get it twisted. also, contrary to what you may believe, i do not feel as though i am too old to ask for presents as i am clearly no farther advanced in my life than when i was a senior in high school. i still have no college degree, i live at home and i have no job and am therefore a child, a very small, innocent, little child. i deserve presents. now, compiling lists of desired presents is one of my all time favorite hobbies and i think i’ve really outdone myself this year. before you get all judgey about the extravagantness of this list please keep in mind that i will most likely not be receiving any of these gifts as papa bear has previously stated, and i quote, “i think you have me confused with a plastic surgeon”. it’s never too late to learn dad, never too late. for your holiday inducing pleasure, in a very particular order of overall importance/which will make me die harder if not obtained:

1. Front row tickets as well as backstage passes to the june 22, 2011 NKOTBSB concert at philips arena
2. A luxury suit inside cinderella’s castle at the magical world of disney in which to awake christmas morning along with cinderella before she was a princess (poor person) acting as my personal servant
3. A visit to the wizarding world of harry potter and a lifetime supply of (very) alcoholic butter beer
4. A $715 louis vuitton handbag which i, for the most part, find aesthetically repulsive but require as i lost about 50 snob points when the land rover exploded
5. A $2,100 black onyx david yurman bracelet, a sensible gift to celebrate my upcoming community college graduation and (obviously) a match to my unearned, yet still warn ring
6. A baby frontpack in which to carry princess oreo, complete, of course, with tail hole

now, i must admit, there are a few practical things that i left off the list or items which are not at the time feasible options (only 195 more pounds to gain before i’m eligible for gastric bypass, hurray!), but i think you get the idea of the things which i hold most important and dear. so tell me, luvahs, what are you asking for from santa (daddy claus) this year, either practical (boring) or magical?

i am a 12 year old girl, get over it

i am also a 5 year old, deal with it

if neville longbottom was brave enough to be a gryffindor, then so are you

attractive points: -100
snob points: +250

small, simple, understated, costs more than panda makes in a year

wondering if this one comes in pink...