pindetest.

everyone loves pinterest. i love pinning things that smell like a baby prostitute, men who are really, really, ridiculous good looking, clothes that i can't afford, and shoes. i like looking at my boards and i enjoy the false sense of popularity and general good-tastedness that i get when others like and repin my items. what i don't like, not even a little bit, is the stupid shit other people pin. like, i seriously can't stand it.

personally, i find pinterest recipes to be the most offensive. why are you pinning a "recipe" that tells you how to freeze dots of yogurt? you really don't know how to do that? do you constantly refer to the pictures on the pin to make sure you're doing it right? not a recipe, not a real thing, not something i want to look at. actually, most things food related make me want to punch someone in the face, really hard. you've reached adulthood and don't know how to make meals using the ingredients on hand? you don't know how to make a casserole? roast a vegetable? make pimento cheese? construct a tasty sandwich? you're just now finding out that avocados are good, on everything? also bacon? alright, i'm a food snob and i have a culinary degree, so i might be overreacting a bit. i am not, however, overreacting about that yogurt thing. that's stupid. point to take from this paragraph: instead of pinning specific recipes, learn common cooking techniques (roasting, baking, searing, sautéing, steaming, grilling, boiling, braising), decide what flavor combinations you enjoy and apply those to foods, and educate yourself on common substitutions and equivalencies in food (that way you won't have to run to the store every time you don't have the exact ingredients for yogurt drops).

now that i've been nice to you for a minute and given you some advice you probably don't care about, i'm going to continue my rant. outfit pins. okay, again, you are an adult, i assume, and you can't dress yourself? you're surprised that everything looks better belted? more importantly, you think that you're going to look like that super tan model with twig legs and a stegosaurus backbone when you put that shit on? you're not. why do you need to note in a pin that gold looks good with (mint (omg), navy (gasp), white (sooooo chic), black (classic), peach (so hot... last summer), purple (regal)...) everything. it's like you're pinning garanimals for adults. before pinterest was invented you tried to wear two shirts, no pants, and a necklace on your arm because there were no outfit inspirations for you to model your ensemble by? please. you're a grownup and should, therefore, be old enough to know what looks good on your body (flattering), is tasteful (appropriate), somewhat modern (stylish), and polished (mostly free of cat hair). notice i didn't include the word trendy. if you're just now learning to put on those pants instead of two shirts, you don't even need to think about the word trendy. you'll mess it up. what to take away from this paragraph: stop sucking at getting dressed. you do it everyday, you'd think you'd have enough practice to do it right.

no lead-in on this one: inspirational quotes. just stop. i'm not inspired. get a therapist or find someone who cares about your feelings (possibly a ornery cat).

also those household item repurposing/put a cookbook on a hanger/do some weird shit to a bag of chocolate chips with a cut up gatorade bottle because you're too dumb to get them out otherwise, things. it's called improvising; poor people have been doing it for centuries.

and finally, those greasy looking pictures of abs with "workout" routines attached. i don't know what any of those moves are and i'm sure as hell not doing any jumping jacks. if you really want your body to look like that you should: stop eating (like at all, ever.), drop all of your friends and social interactions (no alcohol, ever! this will be easy though, because they'll get tired of hearing about your annoying ass fitness routine and stop talking to you), and set up a tent in the gym (as this is your new home). bottom line: stop eating so much (easier said than done), do some sort of physical activity (cat lifting is good), and for the love of god, stop doing jumping jacks. you look ridiculous.

i feel so much better and like i've really enriched your lives. also, i feel like i'm no longer going to have any followers on pinterest...