unemployable.

no one will hire me. you’re not surprised, but for some reason i really am. i don’t need you to feel sorry for me, as employment is not really something i get too excited about. apparently, i don’t possess the skills necessary to make coffee or copies. i also don’t have five years of experience making copies. i also don’t happen to care. for the moment, i’ve given up on what i am referring to as “traditional employment”. i’m baking pretty shit and selling it to people. then, i’m taking the money i earn from that and buying shoes. i should probably use that money to rent an apartment. i should probably go to sleep at a “normal” time. i should probably trick someone into dating me. i should probably brush my hair. i should, but i ain’t gonna. when you’re as unemployable as i am, you have to give up on notions of normality and subsequently, stop expecting a traditional life plan to punch you in the face. i’d love to be a young professional (i certainly have the wardrobe for it), but it’s become abundantly clear to me that the regular life plan isn’t going to work for me. now, i’m just doing what i do best - tricking people into eating massive amounts of butter. and, because i know you really want to know/care, i’m okay with it. i’m certainly not starving to death or hurting for footwear. 

along with epiphanies regarding our blatantly obvious inability to find a job, princess oreo and i have picked up some new healthy (hilarious) habits. you see, sometimes realizing that you’re good for nothing makes you eat snacks. then, one day you look down and noticed that your cream-filled centers are ultra double stuffed and can no longer be described at "cuddly". that's when you decide to “do something” about it. i bought pink sporty things and oreo got a squishy pink harness that fit around her belly and we seriously thought about walking the (hilly, dog infested) neighborhood. i lounged for 3 days in workout clothes and tennies, oreo hissed at her harness before ultimately deciding it made a pretty decent pillow. we felt skinnier already. when we finally did go on that walk we were like- nothing to see here, people, just a chubby girl in head to toe neon pink walking around with a worthless cat stuffed in her shirt. yeah, oreo didn’t take too kindly to the leash. yeah, i stuffed her in my shirt and walked a mile and a half looking all pregnant and crazy and shit. yeah, oreo loved it and was purring the whole time. yeah, i saw all 15 people that live in our neighborhood. yeah, they all laughed and pointed. yeah, i've done this more than once. bonus: i also get in some weight lifting. bonus: there are no eligible bachelors in my hood. problem: i made bacon pimento cheese and walking makes me hungry (being carried makes oreo hungry). should you ever get lost on your way to somewhere better and end up in fuglasville, i’ll be the sweaty one in my third trimester hissing at dogs and eating health food (bacon). we’re living the life, whoop whoop!

check out my cookie business. there's not really THAT much butter involved. www.facebook.com/tickledpinkcookies