pindetest.

everyone loves pinterest. i love pinning things that smell like a baby prostitute, men who are really, really, ridiculous good looking, clothes that i can't afford, and shoes. i like looking at my boards and i enjoy the false sense of popularity and general good-tastedness that i get when others like and repin my items. what i don't like, not even a little bit, is the stupid shit other people pin. like, i seriously can't stand it.

personally, i find pinterest recipes to be the most offensive. why are you pinning a "recipe" that tells you how to freeze dots of yogurt? you really don't know how to do that? do you constantly refer to the pictures on the pin to make sure you're doing it right? not a recipe, not a real thing, not something i want to look at. actually, most things food related make me want to punch someone in the face, really hard. you've reached adulthood and don't know how to make meals using the ingredients on hand? you don't know how to make a casserole? roast a vegetable? make pimento cheese? construct a tasty sandwich? you're just now finding out that avocados are good, on everything? also bacon? alright, i'm a food snob and i have a culinary degree, so i might be overreacting a bit. i am not, however, overreacting about that yogurt thing. that's stupid. point to take from this paragraph: instead of pinning specific recipes, learn common cooking techniques (roasting, baking, searing, sautéing, steaming, grilling, boiling, braising), decide what flavor combinations you enjoy and apply those to foods, and educate yourself on common substitutions and equivalencies in food (that way you won't have to run to the store every time you don't have the exact ingredients for yogurt drops).

now that i've been nice to you for a minute and given you some advice you probably don't care about, i'm going to continue my rant. outfit pins. okay, again, you are an adult, i assume, and you can't dress yourself? you're surprised that everything looks better belted? more importantly, you think that you're going to look like that super tan model with twig legs and a stegosaurus backbone when you put that shit on? you're not. why do you need to note in a pin that gold looks good with (mint (omg), navy (gasp), white (sooooo chic), black (classic), peach (so hot... last summer), purple (regal)...) everything. it's like you're pinning garanimals for adults. before pinterest was invented you tried to wear two shirts, no pants, and a necklace on your arm because there were no outfit inspirations for you to model your ensemble by? please. you're a grownup and should, therefore, be old enough to know what looks good on your body (flattering), is tasteful (appropriate), somewhat modern (stylish), and polished (mostly free of cat hair). notice i didn't include the word trendy. if you're just now learning to put on those pants instead of two shirts, you don't even need to think about the word trendy. you'll mess it up. what to take away from this paragraph: stop sucking at getting dressed. you do it everyday, you'd think you'd have enough practice to do it right.

no lead-in on this one: inspirational quotes. just stop. i'm not inspired. get a therapist or find someone who cares about your feelings (possibly a ornery cat).

also those household item repurposing/put a cookbook on a hanger/do some weird shit to a bag of chocolate chips with a cut up gatorade bottle because you're too dumb to get them out otherwise, things. it's called improvising; poor people have been doing it for centuries.

and finally, those greasy looking pictures of abs with "workout" routines attached. i don't know what any of those moves are and i'm sure as hell not doing any jumping jacks. if you really want your body to look like that you should: stop eating (like at all, ever.), drop all of your friends and social interactions (no alcohol, ever! this will be easy though, because they'll get tired of hearing about your annoying ass fitness routine and stop talking to you), and set up a tent in the gym (as this is your new home). bottom line: stop eating so much (easier said than done), do some sort of physical activity (cat lifting is good), and for the love of god, stop doing jumping jacks. you look ridiculous.

i feel so much better and like i've really enriched your lives. also, i feel like i'm no longer going to have any followers on pinterest...

unemployable.

no one will hire me. you’re not surprised, but for some reason i really am. i don’t need you to feel sorry for me, as employment is not really something i get too excited about. apparently, i don’t possess the skills necessary to make coffee or copies. i also don’t have five years of experience making copies. i also don’t happen to care. for the moment, i’ve given up on what i am referring to as “traditional employment”. i’m baking pretty shit and selling it to people. then, i’m taking the money i earn from that and buying shoes. i should probably use that money to rent an apartment. i should probably go to sleep at a “normal” time. i should probably trick someone into dating me. i should probably brush my hair. i should, but i ain’t gonna. when you’re as unemployable as i am, you have to give up on notions of normality and subsequently, stop expecting a traditional life plan to punch you in the face. i’d love to be a young professional (i certainly have the wardrobe for it), but it’s become abundantly clear to me that the regular life plan isn’t going to work for me. now, i’m just doing what i do best - tricking people into eating massive amounts of butter. and, because i know you really want to know/care, i’m okay with it. i’m certainly not starving to death or hurting for footwear. 

along with epiphanies regarding our blatantly obvious inability to find a job, princess oreo and i have picked up some new healthy (hilarious) habits. you see, sometimes realizing that you’re good for nothing makes you eat snacks. then, one day you look down and noticed that your cream-filled centers are ultra double stuffed and can no longer be described at "cuddly". that's when you decide to “do something” about it. i bought pink sporty things and oreo got a squishy pink harness that fit around her belly and we seriously thought about walking the (hilly, dog infested) neighborhood. i lounged for 3 days in workout clothes and tennies, oreo hissed at her harness before ultimately deciding it made a pretty decent pillow. we felt skinnier already. when we finally did go on that walk we were like- nothing to see here, people, just a chubby girl in head to toe neon pink walking around with a worthless cat stuffed in her shirt. yeah, oreo didn’t take too kindly to the leash. yeah, i stuffed her in my shirt and walked a mile and a half looking all pregnant and crazy and shit. yeah, oreo loved it and was purring the whole time. yeah, i saw all 15 people that live in our neighborhood. yeah, they all laughed and pointed. yeah, i've done this more than once. bonus: i also get in some weight lifting. bonus: there are no eligible bachelors in my hood. problem: i made bacon pimento cheese and walking makes me hungry (being carried makes oreo hungry). should you ever get lost on your way to somewhere better and end up in fuglasville, i’ll be the sweaty one in my third trimester hissing at dogs and eating health food (bacon). we’re living the life, whoop whoop!

check out my cookie business. there's not really THAT much butter involved. www.facebook.com/tickledpinkcookies