the boyfriend application.

i am now accepting boyfriend applications, but be ye warned, the application/screening process is arduous and the actual relationship portion taxing, in a strictly monetary sense, of course.  

__________________________________________________________________________________

Application de Petit Ami

(that’s french snob for ‘boyfriend application’)

Name: _______________________

(interesting/aristocratic names and subsequent titles preferred, although not strictly required)

Age: _______

(applicants must be between the ages of 21 and 45, unless otherwise qualified (prince/king of medium to large sized country)

Height: _______

(this requirement has less to do with actual preference and more to do with the fact that i have achieved the height of 6’2’’ with heels. if you are under this height and would like for me to pet the top of your head like a small puppy as i tower over you, then please proceed)

Yearly Income: _____________________   Trust Fund/Inheritance: ______________

(notice the space i left for all the “0’s”. although i am interested in your yearly income for obvious reasons, i am more-so interested in your disposable income, as i plan to dispose of it properly. please note that this area would be an appropriate section to place all trust funds and/or family inheritances you have/stand to gain)

Houses: _______________________________________________________________  

Vacation Homes: ________________________________________________________

Property: ______________________________________________________________

(obviously your parents’ home does not count. but wait lauren, you live at home with your parents. my parents could beat up your parents, so back off. i do what i want. now, buy a house, loser)

Please answer either YES or NO to the following questions.

1. Will you be willing to follow strict guidelines of engagement procedures which include top shelf vodka and a ring no less than 2 karats? 
2. Are you physically able to pick me up off of the ground should I decide to drink my own body weight and act like a complete and total asshole? 
3. Will you be kind to princess oreo, accepting the fact that she, like her mother, deserves to lounge around all day doing absolutely nothing? 
4. Do you know the difference between “your” and “you’re”? Are you willing to accept that anything you write to me will be graded with red pen and handed back, therefore requiring a “final draft” revision? 
5. Will you leave me the hell alone and let me go out with my friends and please allow yourself to do the same?                         
6. Can you beat me in Mario Kart (N64 or Wii) and will you help me unlock Rosalina, because I’m having a hard time and would like to kick your ass using her as my player?      
7. Do you promise to never make me touch your feet?                                                      

(if the answer is NO to any of the above questions please disregard boyfriend application altogether as you, at this time, do not qualify/are despicable) 

Signature: ____________________________________        Date:_________________

Please include a non-refundable check or cash deposit of $300 dollars to cover processing fees (bottles of wine for sorting through the thousands of applications i’m sure to receive, shoes to wear while sorting, catnip)

__________________________________________________________________________________

i suppose that now all there is left to do is sit back and wait for the numerous male suitors who will undoubtedly be throwing themselves at my fabulousness. by fabulousness of course i mean trainwreckness. and by trainwreckness i mean hot messness. i'm fairly certain that this is the process by which every great love story begins, with rules, guidelines, greed, and conditions. i'm also fairly certain that love is is a choice and not a feeling. and i am absolutely certain that you did not visit this blog to hear me pontificate about matters of love/relationships.

mean girls.

“i’m sorry that people are so jealous of me... but i can’t help it that i’m so popular”

if you know anything about me, you know that i am totally obsessed with mean girls (the movie and the group of girls i lovingly call the same name), not only because everything tina fay writes/acts in turns to gold, but also because of it’s hilariously accurate depiction of high school girls/girls in general. let’s be totally clear about this. if you are a girl, you are a bitch. whether that bitchiness be out in open like my own, or carefully hidden behind layers or syrupy (sick) sweetness, the mean girl is somewhere in there, waiting to be unleashed. the first time that i was called a mean girl was my sophomore year of college. although i made no attempts out of the ordinary to receive the honor or being called a mean girl, a delightful man, who will we refer to as “big black dad” (bbd) informed me that he had watched a movie that perfectly depicted my group of friends. seems as though bbd had viewed mean girls and immediately thought of the whitest, snobbiest, most fabulous 19 year olds he could think of and i, of all people, was fortunate enough to be lumped into this group. according to bbd, qualifications for mean girl status include: refusing to pay cover, judging/making fun of everyone, getting drinks for free, knowing individuals who allow you to get into and drink from the bar for free on a first name basis and being uncharacteristically kind to them, refusing to dance, making fun of skanks, and being extremely exclusive. i was so flattered with the comparison that i could have cried. although there is still some debate as to which mean girl i would be and which individuals have earned their place as second and third generation mean girls, i’d like to add that, as any oscar nominee would say, being nominated was an honor in and of itself and i am humbled to be considered among such talented individuals. 

my love of mean girls came to mind after a recent facebook fueled website discovery. i’m not even going to mention the site involved because it is completely and utterly ridonkulous and does not bear repeating, but it’s purpose it to allow randoms to critique and numerically quantify the value of fraternities and sororities on specific campuses, along with publicized personal opinions on the aforementioned criteria. aside from being ludicrous (i always want to write “ludacris”, luuuuuuda), i think the people posting on this site are missing the point. if you were bright enough to make it through the end of mean girls, you know that the message of the movie boils down to this, girls are mean and cruel to each other, even the fugly ones who make out with their gym coaches and have heavy flows and wide-set vaginas. furthermore, and not a part of the movie just personal brilliance, sororities and fraternities are, in their design, exclusive; that doesn’t make us mean, it makes us discerning. and sure, some of the drama that goes on in the houses of such wonderful mean girls and mean boys is petty and stupid, but the drama that goes on among the “sexually active band geeks” or the “cool asians” is probably equally as trivial. so whether you’re a sorostitute arguing over an exec position or a chubby mcfatterson wrestling over the last m&m left in the economy size bag, you’re a mean girl, it’s who we are, own it. and as for “those girls are bitches” being an accurate description for any group of girls, yeah we are, all of us in one way or another have an evil emotional monster living inside us. please for the love of vocabulary, come up with something more descriptive than that or better yet, go back to your hobo friends and tighten each others head gear, you’re looking a little gap toothed. 

this is what is referred to as the mean girl "a" team. applications for subsequent mean girls are being accepted at this time.