go elf yourself.

it’s christmas time, hobos. tis the season to be jolly or selfish, or whatever, and i for one am elated.

first of all, let me say holy cubic zirconia extravaganza via every damn holiday jewelry commercial on television. please see my thoughts on this particular subject on facebook and hear as i audibly gag/cry over the heinous mediocrity which these advertisements so wholeheartedly support. moving on. oreo and i are absolutely ecstatic about the holiday season and we’ve been listening to santa baby on repeat since well before thanksgiving as it pretty much summarizes our desire for a sugar daddy and constant need for gifts (snacks). speaking of gifts panda bought princess oreo a beautiful pink sweater today from the target, but it was too tight because oreo insists on second helpings during holiday meals, either that or because i constantly feed her in order to gain and maintain her love and affection. back to me, excited for christmas. i’m not one of those crazy people who romanticizes the christmas holidays and dreams of ice skating and every kiss beginning with k (vomit), although i do enjoy ice skating but only like twice around the rink because then i get tired (see athletic ability under nature can suck it). i partly love this time of the year because it is the first time since last march that i’ve stopped sweating my sweet georgia balls off and i mostly love christmas because of presents. don’t act surprised like you thought i had some sort of existential, abstract, or otherwise mind blowing reason for my christmas time true loving. i love things. i love free things. i love things bought with papa bear’s money. also, i love baby jesus, so don’t get it twisted. also, contrary to what you may believe, i do not feel as though i am too old to ask for presents as i am clearly no farther advanced in my life than when i was a senior in high school. i still have no college degree, i live at home and i have no job and am therefore a child, a very small, innocent, little child. i deserve presents. now, compiling lists of desired presents is one of my all time favorite hobbies and i think i’ve really outdone myself this year. before you get all judgey about the extravagantness of this list please keep in mind that i will most likely not be receiving any of these gifts as papa bear has previously stated, and i quote, “i think you have me confused with a plastic surgeon”. it’s never too late to learn dad, never too late. for your holiday inducing pleasure, in a very particular order of overall importance/which will make me die harder if not obtained:

1. Front row tickets as well as backstage passes to the june 22, 2011 NKOTBSB concert at philips arena
2. A luxury suit inside cinderella’s castle at the magical world of disney in which to awake christmas morning along with cinderella before she was a princess (poor person) acting as my personal servant
3. A visit to the wizarding world of harry potter and a lifetime supply of (very) alcoholic butter beer
4. A $715 louis vuitton handbag which i, for the most part, find aesthetically repulsive but require as i lost about 50 snob points when the land rover exploded
5. A $2,100 black onyx david yurman bracelet, a sensible gift to celebrate my upcoming community college graduation and (obviously) a match to my unearned, yet still warn ring
6. A baby frontpack in which to carry princess oreo, complete, of course, with tail hole

now, i must admit, there are a few practical things that i left off the list or items which are not at the time feasible options (only 195 more pounds to gain before i’m eligible for gastric bypass, hurray!), but i think you get the idea of the things which i hold most important and dear. so tell me, luvahs, what are you asking for from santa (daddy claus) this year, either practical (boring) or magical?

i am a 12 year old girl, get over it

i am also a 5 year old, deal with it

if neville longbottom was brave enough to be a gryffindor, then so are you

attractive points: -100
snob points: +250

small, simple, understated, costs more than panda makes in a year

wondering if this one comes in pink...

nerd is the word.

sorry, friend. i’d love to hang out/chat/go out, but unfortunately i’m too busy solving crossword puzzles, reading fantasy novels, and grammatically correcting texts/facebook posts.

sometimes the truth hurts, and the truth is i think i am a nerd. worse yet, i don’t even think i’m the good kind of nerd who knows all sorts of interesting trivia or can carry on long discussions about “important” political or religious topics. i’m sure you’ve gathered as much, but i don’t give a shit about such monumental matters. i think i more resemble a pizza faced, dorito breathed, middle school boy playing dungeons and dragons in a too tight pokemon t-shirt than i do a national quiz bowl finalist. what i’m getting at is that i am the wrong kind of nerd. my god, i’m a 24 year old carrying around a lisa frank notebook, desperately awaiting the day when full body glitter is no longer a complete abomination (oddi, i know you agree). i find myself getting personally offended when people don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re” and worse when they address me using the incorrect form of said word. how dare you defile my mini-feed/wall/inbox with such shiteous displays of stupidity. such offenders should be ashamed, only slightly less ashamed then their horrible, good for nothing third grade teachers. i hate books for smart people. the classics, yeah, i’ve read some of those. they were boring. books that are forced, politically charged, analytical, philosophical, and crammed with overly-complicated jargon rarely hold my interest and make me feel slightly mentally retarded. give me a book from which a popular (or not) movie or tv series is based and i will eat it up. i just read 9,600 pages of nerdiness and loved every second of it. i, of course, took the dust jackets off of said novels in order to deflect negative attention to both apparent dweebdom as well as poor taste in literature. and don’t even think that you can come back with some kind of, “it’s cool lauren, i read harry potter” bullshit, i’ve ventured much deeper into the dorky realm of casual reading than you could hope/want to. as for crossword puzzles, my nerdy obsession borders acceptable. lots of people like crossword puzzles. lots of people complete on average 3-5 a night. lots of people have multiple crossword puzzle apps on their phone. lots of people print crossword puzzles from the internet and keep them in folders in case they run out of aforementioned puzzles and have none left to do. no? weird. again, no, “lauren, i love sudoku, it’s so nerdy blah blah blah”. i hate that shit. numbers are disgusting. plus, i’m not trying to have a level of dweebiness competition with you. i’m sure everyone does things that others may consider nerdy. i do things that i consider nerdy, so nerdy in fact, that i would rather divulge embarrassing stories about hiking with you than mention, by name the nerdy things i like. don’t even get me started on video games or computer games, as my liking for those only serve to complete the dweeb profile. honestly, i think everyone has a little nerd living inside of them. i mean, sure we can keep the nerdiness at bay in front of crowds and maybe even in front of our friends, but dorky mcdorkerson is always there, rummaging around just underneath the surface. then again, maybe it’s just me. really, i wouldn’t be at all surprised if you guys have no idea what i’m talking about. 

so, reader people, this is where you have to stop being regular creepers and be participatory creepers for this damn blog. tell me about your inner nerd, dorky habits, or how you stifled/killed dweeby mcdweeberson. oreo and i will be waiting patiently.

to be a total nerd, just add glasses?