double stuffed.

naming a black and white cat oreo is about as creative as naming a baby girl born in the mid 1980’s lauren, but hey, panda and papa bear, no judgements here. 

panda was the philanthropist/animal rights activist who first discovered and rescued princess oreo lantz. yeah, we’re both princesses, get over it. despite being the cutest, tiniest little kitten in the world, oreo was also the most evil. each member of our family had to wear oven mits/work gloves to feed the little shit out of a bottle, lest we be accused of trying to kill ourselves via the world’s smallest razor blade (cat scratches). she was a gluttonous pain in the ass from the beginning, gulping down ungodly amounts of kitten milk while ripping the flesh from our hands and forearms. that being said, oreo is my best friend. she is a very good listener and never interrupts me when i talk, both qualities that i find necessary in a friendship relationship. she is basically motivated by food and slumber, which happen to be among my favorite things. we cuddle, but that bitch always makes me be big spoon because she is a selfish lover and because i am slightly larger. i accidentally made her obese and consequently accidentally made myself obese as well. we don’t care, more to love. oreo is also a huge whorebag. all the boy cats on our street love her and meow at our windows. i on the other hand have the occasional construction worker/mailman/jehovah’s witness try to sneak a peek of me in my pj’s through the window, very sexy. my favorite boyfriend is the brad pitt, and thanks for asking you selfish asshole, we are doing quite well (it’s love). oreo’s favorite boyfriend is the black and white cat next door who looks exactly like her and has, on occasion, been carried into our house under false assumptions of indeed being our beloved orey cat. clearly, the princess is an unapologetic narcissist, another quality which i find quite endearing. she hates outdoors/getting dirty, as these hobbies are for poor people/cats. she flat out refused to come camping/hiking/diva attacking with papa bear and i, because she is very smart (street smart + books smart combo, really). oreo never grooms/cleans herself; those are jobs for humans involving combs and pink barbie brushes. i would like to carry oreo around in one of those funny little baby backpack in the front type deals and let her scratch off the faces of individuals dumb enough to approach us. i have no idea what those midget carrying frontpacks are called as i find the idea of children appalling. the point is, i want one for my cat with an extra little hole for her tail. on a final note, i hate cats. please don’t tell me stories about your animals and be aware that i don’t really like dogs either. i only like oreo because she is the absolute worst specimen of the feline species currently in existence. and for the love of god, don't taint our beautiful relationship with some kind of vulgar cat/lady parts reference, so immature (pervert).

just when you were beginning to feel bad for me and all the ridiculousness which comprises my life story, i busted out the crazy cat lady talk. dating a cat is totally normal. 

glamour shot

example of double stuffedness/cuteness

barbie brush for "grooming"

we fixed our hairs for this one