fort lantz.

although i’ve regaled most of you with the absurdity of my papa bear, some of his ridiculousness bears (pun intended) repeating. you should read this entire post with a drawn out, borderline redneck, southern accent. 

my father is convinced that that little pandy, wingy cole and i “negotiate our safety on a constant basis”. he insists that “safety is non-negotiable”, once banning me and my 23 year old sister from the local mall after dark, asserting that an aggressive child gang was prowling outside of the movie theater waiting to shoot 6 ft tall white girls (with nerf guns?) as they exited the building after harry potter and, that this kind of dangerous scene should be avoided all together. “nothing good happens after midnight”. “i don’t understand why you girls need to leave the house after it is dark”. announced at 7:30 pm. papa bear is also convinced that because my mother and i do not close the garage doors, deadbolt the doors, and set the alarm while at home, we are “enticing, if not inviting burglars into our home at which point i’m going to have to shoot someone and(he gets real dramatic here, arms flailing, voice screeching) THE BLOOD IS GOING TO BE ON YOUR HANDS!” after this spiel, there are tears in our eyes and we start coughing from suppressed laughter. panda pees her pants (it’s an old person thing) and i cackle like a witch. this does not please papa bear. indignantly, he chortles that we can “laugh all we want, but it ain’t gonna be funny when there’s a dead person in the foyer”. apparently, this imaginary burglar, now dead in our home’s entrance, isn’t the only person trying to break into fort lantz. being that we have the only home on the block (planet) with a summer “cool tub”, everybody wants in on the action, “especially the democrats”. now, please, please, please, before i even continue with this post do not try to get political on me. unless you want to tell me that you are joining the party party, i don’t want to hear your self-important political bullshit. “i don’t believe in the republican party or the democratic party, i just believe in parties”. 

after a weekend marathon of one of my favorite shows, the walking dead, papa bear has, in a lighthearted divergence from “the blood is going to be on your hands”, turned his attention away from the democrat invasion and instead is focusing on the zombie apocalypse, ascertaining various weapons and supplies to take down the droves of walkers and/or democrats eager to plunder the backwoods paradise which is fort lantz. when one such event does occur, i’d like to think that you’d all be welcome to our maximum security fortress, but sadly it has been made clear that only those with usable skills will be allowed on the premises. thank god i’m a “pretty decent shot for someone in a dress and a damn fine cook (both statements i choose to take as compliments)”, otherwise my presence would be deemed unnecessary and i would be forced to wander in cohorts with the mindless hoard (democrats). just kidding, i don’t care about that shit, remember?