swamp thing.

although this post could very well be referring to what my hair looks like when i wake up in the morning/don’t brush or wash it for days on end, it’s not about my tresses at all, but rather about an ongoing obsession and possibly infallible life plan. 

as you very well may know, i don’t meet the minimum qualifications to be a front desk clerk and was "lucky" enough to get a job as a hostess, (a position, if it can even be called that, that i had in high school) so i've to really shift gears in order to conjure up a life plan more suitable to my non-existent skill set. in the midst of my confusion i found a light at the end of an alligator shaped tunnel. i’m talking about a cajun, bayou, french language butchering, alligator wrangling, drinking, smoking, mudda frickan life altering realization in the form of the history channel’s swamp people. the show is currently in hiatus, so if you haven’t seen it, for the love of all things entertaining, get on it. now, i’m sure you’re wondering how this swamp people obsession relates to my own life as i hate the outdoors, manual labor, and people who are drunker than me (cajun). i have decided that instead of starting this “life” thing everyone is talking about, or applying for another 158 jobs online, or taking an internship, i am going to go live in the swamp, marry a landry (lauren landry really has a nice {yurman} ring to it), have shoes and handbags made of alligator, drunkenly ramble in order to fit in with the locals, and most importantly start my own spin-off show entitled “the real swamp wives of louisiana”. before you start in on me, i realize that this plan, like all my others, may have some flaws. i’m sure the shopping is abysmal, so i’m researching the availability of the interweb and ups in the pierre part area, while simultaneously calculating the cost of a private jet. also, this plan is shocking because i fear both commitment and marriage, but i assume marriages in the bayou are not legally binding and involve placing bud light pull tabs on each others’ fingers and calling it a day; that, i can deal with. 

i’d like to add that since writing this lovely little piece, i have, against all odds and rejections, gained employment. let the record reflect that despite this achievement, becoming a real swamp wife of louisiana with the beautiful/alligator loving bianca nawrocki is still my life plan. jobs are for poor people and mine makes me want to kill myself. 

gaining the trust and blank stare/toothless grin of junior and willie edwards is only the first step in my master plan.

teaching little o to attack gators/go outside will be phase two of the plan.

now will someone please buy me one of these koozies so that i will have something to keep my drink cold while i execute my dream?