i’ve recently been made painfully aware of the fact that i suffer from seasonal allergies. more specifically, i suffer from pollen being directly deposited into my nose by one oreo lantz.
you see, when a kitty cat rolls around on your pollen-laiden driveway and then insists on sleeping on your face, pollen inhalation is all but inevitable. so, after administering copious amounts of antihistamines, nasal sprays, and decongestants simultaneously i was able to conclude that there are lots of things for which i have a similar allergic reaction. and while some of the lists below cause physical reactions such as nausea and eyeball pain, many leave impressions as well as symptoms which can not be treated with either over the counter or prescription medication, such as emotional damage and permanent memory etching. very. scary. stuff. really, i hate many, many things so making a short list of allergies comes as natural as cats and barbie hair brushes.
i am allergic to:
- fugly footwear. including, but not limited to: kitten heels, mules, platform flip flops, plastic flip flops, bedazzled flip flops, now that i think about it, all flip flops, double stacked keds, wedges with heels under 4”, any heel under 4” (see also, kitten heel), bulbous flats, anything too cheap, too plastic, or too much like something panda would wear.
- heinous clothing. including but not limited to: anything purchased from hollister, american eagle, or abercrombie, cargo shorts, jhorts (unless purchased with proper fit, length, and fabric containing less than 10% spandex, also known as “demin”, never okay for anyone with a wiener), tea length dresses (hello, cankles), capris, man capris, capris of any kind, all graphic tees, anything that looks like lisa frank, a rhinestone, someone who smokes meth, and a tattoo artist had a baby (see ed hardy), spaghetti strap tank tops worn as shirts (not even close, please, please stop), tube tops, ribbon belts, anything too tight, too short, or too fugly.
- animal people. individuals who indiscriminately like all animals have deep seated issues and more likely than not problems with normal human interaction.
- picky eaters. everyone is allowed to have their “things”. if you stick syrup, a raisin or a canned black olive in front of me, i will punch you. transversely, if the only thing you’ll eat is a chicken finger, we’re going to have a little problem.
- the morning time. yes, i stay up until 5 am. yes, i know that this is not “normal”. yes, i remain grumpy until noon. yes, i usually continue to be grumpy after that. no, i will not apologize. no, i don’t want a damn bagel.
- work. i really don’t mind words like “project” or “experiment”, but work is absolutely disgusting. manual labor is out of the question. “working out” has the word work in it, so, no.
- higher education. i don’t like it. i feel significantly dumber now than i did when i started college.
- love/marriage/relationships. i get it. sometimes you people love each other and want to hold hands, kiss each other in public, share your bank accounts and be lifetime roommates, or whatever. that’s great. you scare me. no thank you.
i supposed you are expecting some kind of conclusion to this rant. i’m allergic to many things. chances are i’m even a little allergic to you. fear not, for there is an easy solution which will attract rather than detract my much sought after affection, luring me to you like a bee to honey: carry around a bottle of vodka.
on a final and, you guessed it, unrelated note, i'd like to thank miranda lambert for writing a song about me. that was kind.
