i really fancy myself a sleeping beauty, given my aptitude for napping, or perhaps rapunzel based on my desire for obnoxiously long hair, but find myself, in the most practical sense of the characterization, a cinderella, as i currently do chores for a “living”.
i am a disney princess. just wanted to get that out of the way as to avoid any confusion or misgivings based on the title alone. granted, you’ve probably never seen me on the big screen before as i am a vodka riddled, foul mouthed princess, but i’m totally legit. i have a lovable sidekick in the form of princess oreo, (also a princess, in case the title preceding her name didn’t stick) a bitchy little cat from the wrong side of the tracks with a snarky attitude and an affinity for bacon. please note that i use this sidekick prop as both a singing partner and an object by which to convey inner monologue verbally without looking “crazy”. talking to cats is normal and healthy. i sing to little o as well, mostly usher because they’re both black and sexy. her words, not mine. in all seriousness, i’ve always wanted to be a disney princess. i may or may not have a new life plan in the works which involves losing only enough weight to be a “real life” disney princess at disney world. i worked with a gentleman recently, a former employee for disney world resort, who told me he used to see disney princesses running down underground corridors on their way to events cussing like sailors while chain smoking cigarettes. as it should be. this propelled my desire to sing to animals into overdrive, and now all i can think about is scaring children and getting paid for it. that, and putting oreo the orca in a little mouse (tiger, fish, bird, monkey, raccoon, frog, chipmunk) costume and having her aid in the terrorizing (scratching) of small creatures. while i realize that being a 25 year old disney princess is not the most adult thing to do, i just can’t shake the desire to break out in spontaneous song for the sole purpose of annoying the shit out of everyone around me. i’m talking real klassy with a “k” princess action here, people. thoughts on the new life plan?
a perfect example of the kind of princess i'd be. that's a wig, bitch.
